I can't just not talk to myself can I? That's be weird.

I always come back to Jesse Lacey and Brand New when I'm feeling blue.




With blood and feathers
On my torn paws
You ain't nothing but a dead duck
I ain't nothing but a hound dog
You seep in the windows and vents
And I lay here in the grass and I lose your sent
If god gave me grace than way aren't I graceful?
My joints are frozen cold and old
And I don't...

If it's by air
Then I don't wanna know
If we all don't take cover we're all going fall back in love again
You work late to fight off your poison
If the patient dies you take the night off

They worked out all the bugs
If we have enough money you can buy love
You work out the perceptions in me
I sing, sing, sing, these ten most deadly things
The mark on your breast from your baby teething
Give him my name if he is needing

If it's by sea
I don't wanna know
If we all don't take cover we're all going to fall back in love again
Bless you, your beautiful life
And curse your god when your friends die

If it's by air
Well I don't wanna know
If we all don't take cover we're all going to fall back in love again
You work late and fight off your poison
If the patient dies then you take the night off

1. What time did you get up this morning? About 7am

2. How do you like your steak? Just this side of rare

3. What was the last film you saw at the cinema? Inglourious Basterds

4. What is your favourite TV show? House

5. If you could live anywhere in the world where would it be? London - and that's where I live. read into that what you wish.

6. What did you have for breakfast? Scrambled eggs on toast

7. What is your favourite cuisine? Mexican

8. What foods do you dislike? Hmm, ofal most of all, then after that I guess nothing really

9. Favourite Place to Eat? At home

10.Favourite dressing? really good olive oil, and really good balsamic vinegar

11.What kind of vehicle do you drive? Whatever I have to drive

12. What are your favourite clothes? Comfy lazy ones.

13. Where would you visit if you had the chance? Edinburgh for a few days

14. Cup 1/2 empty or 1/2 full? I always order a second pint before I hit the halfway mark, when I have the money.

15. Where would you want to retire? Wait up, I haven't even started my career yet!

16. Favourite time of day? Dawn, when the weather starts to turn around May time. Ideally out on the bike feeling fit.

17. Where were you born? Southampton

18. What is your favourite sport to watch? The velos, obviously

19. Who do you think will not tag you back? I'm not tagging

20. Person you expect to tag you back first? erm,

21. Who are you most curious about their responses to this? me.

22. Bird watcher? Amateur middle distance competitor

23. Are you a morning person or a night person? for what? The day is long, I'm not pinning myself in.

24. Do you have any pets? nopers

25. Any new and exciting news you'd like to share?I'm a student murse!

26. What did you want to be when you were little? I have no idea. Umm, anyone remember? I expect it involved big machinery.

27. What is your best childhood memory? My Third birthday cake

28. Are you a cat or dog person? na

29. Are you married? to my own madness

30. Always wear your seat belt? Clunk click EVERY trip

31. Been in a car accident? 5 or 6, but never inside the car.

32. Any pet peeves? Poor manners

33. Favourite Pizza Toppings? Good mozarella

34. Favourite Flower? wholewheat

35. Favourite ice cream? B&J half and half

36. Favourite fast food restaurant? Can you have a favourite?

37. How many times did you fail your driver's test? DRIVING test, please. and thrice.

38. From whom did you get your last email? K-Rai-Rai

Always had a roof above me
Always paid the rent
But Ive never set foot inside a tent
Cant build a fire to save my life
I lied about being the outdoor type

Ive never slept out underneath the stars,
The closest that I came to that was one time my car
Broke down for an hour in the suburbs at night
I lied about being the outdoor type.

Too scared to let you know you knew what you were looking for
I lied until I fit the bill God bless the great indoors
I lied about being the outdoor type
Ive never owned a sleeping bag let alone a mountain bike

I cant go away with you on a rock climbing weekend
What if somethings on tv and its never shown again
Its just as well Im not invited Im afraid of heights
I lied about being the outdoor type

Never learned to swim cant grow a beard or even fight
I lied about being the outdoor type

Hmm, I've had an entire summer of nothing, and yet I'm exhausted. I always new that I would struggle at the end of summer to justify the wasted time to myself, but given that im not even rested? That sucks.

YEAH!

http://www.guardian.co.uk/technology/gamesblog/video/2009/aug/14/beatles-rockband

I'm totally livid right now. Oh well, it makes a pleasent change to the blank canvas I normally slide by on.

I have a new plan - a new form of gambling that noone has ever tried.

The basics of it are simple, and for low stakes it's very easy, but we can scale the game as high as we need to to keep people with more money than sense who suck at poker happy.

The game is called - CHANGE OSMOSIS!

The idea is as follows. A cap is set and everyone brings loose change adding up to that ammount. In the worked example I'm using £2, but obviously however high the cap is determines possible wins and losses.

Player 1 arrives with £2 in the form of 100 pennies and 10 10pence pieces.

Player 2 arrives with 50 pennies, 25 2 pences, 5 10 pence pieces and a 50p.

The money is pooled giving a total of:
150 x 1p
25 x 2p
15 x 10p and
1 x 50p

The money is split, so each player gets:
75 x 1p
12 x 2p
7 x 10p

and the remainder of 1 2p, 1 10p and one 50p, which are given to the person that brought the most of each denomination respectively, so player 1 ends up with £1.79 and player two ends up with £2.21. BIG WINS!

And that, is pro-championship level change osmosis, the next big thing in gambling.

Dear (Name here)

If you are reading this you have found my livejournal and (number) posts about you I have already written. I know that it's a shock to read my real opinions and feelings here, especially as I thinly veil our relationships through metaphors and lies. I've always felt you and me are (predicitve statement eg. Destined) to be together in life, even though I don't believe in fate.

What I want you to know is that I (emotion) you.

You are a/an (adjective) (noun) and I (never/always) thought you would (suceed/fail) in everything you do.

Be (lucky/dead)

Ed x

I am a massive fan of Tiramisu, but that's just the beggining. Most cheesecakes, most cake, almost all fruit based desserts. Christ, I just feel I constantly deserve a post-dinner treat if I'm honest. To the point at which I have been for just dessert quite a lot of times. And now want a cafe called Just Desserts (and coffee!)

bah, fooooood!

3 years ago I had a violent break up with my girlfriend of the time. It was my first really nasty break up, the first time I got so carried away with it that I can barely remember the tear-filled conversations with my friends, the first time I didn't know what to do with myself etc. The day after it became apparent that it was over I got into my car to go to work and set my mp3 player going with a random selection of songs, trying to find one to match how awful I felt. I skipped the Magic Numbers (too cheery), I skipped Brand New (too american!) and I skipped Jaya the Cat and Sublime (I was sober) and came accross a track that I knew well but had never really got into before. By the time I got to work I'd heard it 6 times through, and so a toruturous love affair with music that can push someone to the edge.

The song was by the Smiths, and as the title suggests, it was "there is a light that never goes out" (below)




Every time I've been in emotional stress I've found a record to dissolve into, to get away from the crap that was likely to otherwise drive me insane and to give myself some breathing room. The trouble is, sometimes the issue is too big for even the best of the 80s dirge to wash away.

The song "Inner City Struggle", by Flight of the Conchords is a parody of the Pet Shop Boys synth fueled modern soundscapes, with lyrics discussing how life in NYC is tough when you have no money to talk of. One of the lyrics sticks right now - "When you're unemployed there's no vacation" (not as good as the line"so you think maybe you'll be a prositute / to pay for your lessons cos you're learning the flute. / ladies wouldn't pay you very much for this / guess you'll never be a concert flautist" but more pertinent).



Right now I'm unemployed. It also feels I'm unemployable. I know come September everything will be sorted - I'll be a student again with a decent income from my loan - but until then it isn't easy. I've been in a slump for ages, but there are lots of little bits that seem to be making it worse right now.

I don't need you to tell me "I can't do something until I find a job" or that I'm a fucking loser - remarkably thats all I think about all day. every day. from when i wake up and have n o job. until when I go to sleep and have no job. It's wearing me thin, and I need a break from people acting like tossers to me just because so far 13 chain pubs, 4 sandwich shops, 9 supermarkets, 6 agencies, 8 theatres, 10 0ffices and one national library have rejected me (plus lots of smaller shops, bakeries and museums etc of course).

I'm not depressed. I know that for sure because I know myself so well. But where the people in my life might be under pressure from their work, or their family, or whatever else, I have no pressure other than to sit back and assess where I went wrong all day.

So I'm sorry if I'm a bit pissy - I'm holding back a tear and avoiding putting on my Morrissey double album.

TEN things you wish you could say to 10 people:
1. Thank you, christ knows how you manage to be this patient but I appreciate it.
2. I'll pay you back as soon as I get myself sorted, I promise.
3. This, 'Us', really frustrates me but I wouldn't swap it for anything in the world.
4. Want to go ride bikes mate?
5. Hanging out with you guys is basicly the most fun I can imagine right now.
6. I wish our timing had been different but never mind huh?
7. Getting stranded in Crewe was fuckin' hilarious - wanna do it again some time?
8. Someday someone will love you the way you want, but don't go after the first Ginger jerk you come accross
9. Fuck. You. Bitch.
10. Wanna go get tattoos?

NINE things about yourself.
1. I have the choice of painkillers or beer and almost always choose wrong
2. I define myself by things that happened 6 years ago.
3. I judge people on the basis of political opinion - not what they are just how much they have.
4. Music is important. I don't know many people with as diverse tastes as me, but I'm pretty certain I'm right.
5. I spend more on bikes than food and drink and rent combined some years.
6. I'm going to be one of the oldest undergraduates in nursing at my Uni next year
7. I'm going to be top of the class. Trust me.
8. I don't believe in bad decisions - nothing bad can EVER happen.
9. My happiness is dependant on too many externals still.

EIGHT ways to win your heart.
1. Drink beer and be a snob about it
2. Cycle. For fun, sport or fitness, just do it.
3. Play along with my long game - I see my life in 20 year cycles right now.
4. Fancy me ;-)
5. Put up with my bullshit
6. remind me to take my medication or I'll be grumpy all day
7. Care about the world, but also about objectivity and science
8. Punk Rock

SEVEN things that cross your mind a lot.
1. Was that my phone?
2. Is it lunch today, I'm hungry...
3. Can I take a pain killer for my back yet? Please say yes!
4. Coffee? Coffee. Coffeeeeeee!
5. 1. 2. 3. 4. 5. 6. 7. 8. etc.
6. Who wrote that song? Oh, cool!
7. Relax, just. Relax.

SIX things you do before you fall asleep.
1. plug phone into the mains.
2. Drink some water
3. Clothes off, PJs on.
4. Stretch my back.
5. Say goodnight to whatever/whoever is around. Regardless of if it's just Benny (my elephant)
6. Roll over onto my bad shoulder and regret it.

FIVE people who mean a lot at the moment.
1. Emma,
2. Gomez
3. Karly
4. Pete
5. Me.

FOUR things you see right now:
1. Electric toothbrush
2. Empty  :-(  Coffee Mug
3. Winamp playlist
4. Wrecked hands in need of medical help.

THREE bands that you listen to often:
1. Frank Turner / Million Dead
2. Tellison
3. Decemberists

TWO things you want to do before you die:
1. Win
2. Lose with style

ONE confession:
1. I invest everything in other people. I've never found myself that fun, but will happily put everything into someone elses work or problems to the point at which I become more dependant than them. I hate it, but I love the satisfaction of a job well done.

... I had flu. This christmas I plan to spend the time in bed playing Bioshock 2!

WIKI HERE

VIRAL TEASER HERE

It is going to be amazing, I am so excited!

Trailer:

I know, I know, I'm a one track record.

I'm suffering from my usual depression. I signed on to receive job seekers allowance the other day and it destroyed me. The thing they don't tell you is just how demoralising it can be. I know, having no job or income sucks. I get that. I know, having your life and lifestyle picked apart and being that open with a stranger sucks. I know, the depression of rejection over a job is horrible.

What I didn't know is the patronising way that you are treated.

Apparently "I should have a job already", and "have no trouble finding one" and it really got to me. Housemate #3 accosted me on the subject the other day, demanding to know why I didnt apply for some of the maternity placements I saw - 9 months work in a decent role with good money, what's to lose? Well how about this - I don't want that! I need a job for 3 months, then I plan to get on with my career that's taken me 22 years to decide on. He suggested I should defer for a year to do these maternity cover jobs and it pissed me off. I finally know what I want to acheive. I don't give a shit about my salary if I can live so why should it concern anyone else that I'm doing something make myself happy for once.

The same housemate accused me of being really selfish once, and I don't really see that, so maybe I shouldn't take his word. It's just hard - my entire house seems really unsupportive at a time when I'm hanging on by a thread - a few kind words wouldn't hurt and telling me nursing is a terrible idea and I'll hate it DOES NOT COUNT.

Bah, bed time.

Twitter is a lot of things. It's a social newtworking site, it's a celebrity marketting oportunity, and its a micro-blogging site.

I've been on twitter for a fair while now, and have got quite a lot from it. I've made new friends, stayed in touch with old ones, and blatently stalked celebrity twitterers that normally you would never get to see much from.

So, to celebrate Saturday - here are my three top twitters

Shut Up Meg
Umm, exactly what it says on the tin...

Stephen Fry
Well, I think there's a law that all Brits follow him

Fireland
The king of micro-blog humor. Close to several knuckles, but a story in less than 140 characters every time.

Happy tweeting!!

Thank you for this, Johnny Sadpictures



hahahahaha, um, swine flu?

On the Google Blog yesterday Urs Hölzle, Senior Vice President, Operations at google declared that the carbon emisson of a Google search is nowehre near as bad as Previous research suggests. In fact, after some number crunching they found that a standard search produces about 0.2g of CO2. I personally don't believe in carbon dioxide in this context, but that's too much of an arguement for today so I'll keep going on this train of thought.

The Cheeseburger referenced in the article is assumed to be a fairly standard American style burger, as assessed HERE, which produces about 3kg of  This is very similar to the burger used at about.com's calorie count, the details of which are as follows:

Nutrition Facts

Serving Size 1 sandwich (154.0 g)

Amount Per Serving

Calories 359 Calories from Fat 178

% Daily Value*

Total Fat 19.8g 30%

Saturated Fat 9.2g 46%

Polyunsaturated Fat 1.5g

Monounsaturated Fat 7.2g

Cholesterol 52mg 17%

Sodium 976mg 41%

Total Carbohydrates 28.1g 9%

Protein 17.8g

Vitamin A 9% • Vitamin C 4% Calcium 18% • Iron 15%

So we have Google using 1kJ of energy to produce 0.2g of carbon, and a standard cheeseburger at 359 kilocalories producing 3kg of carbon. A kilocalorie is roughly equal to 4.184 kJ, so we can say that the burger is worth about 1500kJ, over one and a half thousand Google searches in fact.

So we've been told that one Google search is the equivelant of 1/15,000 cheeseburgers, and using my awful bullshit maths, in terms of energy a search is 1/1,500 the amount of a cheeseburger. This suggests that a cheeseburger, per unit of energy, produces 10 times as much carbon dioxide as a Google search right?

Using my advanced sports science knowledge, and my horrific science shown above, I propose we get fat people, athletes and anyone who has a high calorie diet to eat google searches in order to save our planet. People, my maths is sound, my theory is right and I'm here to lead you away from ecological disaster. Save the world - feed your kids Google searches for 2 meals a day and they'll produce much less carbon and we all get to live in some kind of paradise I guess?

Argh, sod it, I'm off to wash up.

When I was younger I listened to some amazing bands and amazing records. Anyone who doesn't like Brand New's second album 'Deja Entendu' has never been a teenager as far as I'm concerned. The album's title, so you know, roughly translates as "already heard", an ironic gesture given how original the tracks on this album were.

The eighth track on the album, Me vs Maradonna vs Elvis is one of my favourites. All 11 favourites... The lyrics are great, musically it's sound, but one section of this stong makes it stand out and puts my heart back in my mouth. Listen at the end of the first verse, it's lovely and brings back a lot of my darker memories in an instant.



With one or two I get used to the room
We go slow when we first make our moves
By five or six bring you out to the car
Number nine with my head on the bar
And it's sad but true
Out of cash and IOUs

I got desperate desires and unadmirable plans
My tongue will taste of gin and malicious intent
Bring you back to the bar, get you out of the cold
A sober straight face gets you out of your clothes
And they're scared, that we know
All the crimes they'll commit
Who they'll kiss before they get home

I will lie awake
And lie for fun and fake the way I hold you
Let you fall for every empty word I say

Barely conscious in the door where you stand
Your eyes are fighting sleep while your mouth makes your demand
You laugh at every word trying hard to be cute
I almost feel sorry for what I'm gonna do
And your hair smells of smoke
Who will cast the first stone?
You can sin or spend the night all alone

Brass buttons on your coat hold the cold
In the shape of a heart that they cut out of stone
You're using all your looks that you've thrown from the start
If you let me have my way I swear I'll tear you apart
'cause it's all you can be, you're a drunk, and you're scared
It's ladies night, all the girls drink for free

I will lie awake
And lie for fun and fake the way I hold you
Let you fall for every empty word I say

I admit, I was the worst tear-away teen I knew. I was pretty solid most of the time, but this song brings me straight back to everything I ended up not being all that proud of. And yet I still play this record a few times a month.

Funny world isn't it.

1. What color is your toothbrush? One is Pink and white, one is lilac, my electric one is blue.

2. Name one person who made you smile today? Emma, when she emailed me.

3. What were you doing at 8 am this morning? Listening to the discussion about me outside my bedroom door.

4. What were you doing 45 minutes ago? Eating an omelette

5. What is your favorite candy bar? Milky Way.

6. Have you ever been to a strip club? Umm, no...

7. What is the last thing you said aloud? "Fuckin' skank!"

8. What is your favorite ice cream flavor? Toffee or coffee.

9. What was the last thing you had to drink? Water

10. Do you like your wallet? It's pretty good, as wallets go

11. What was the last thing you ate? Omelette (onion, pepper and courgette) with chips

12. Have you bought any new clothing items this week? No

13. The last sporting event you watched? Does the Giro presentation count?

14. What is your favorite flavor of popcorn? Any - it all tastes the same to me!

15. Who is the last person you sent a text message to? Nic

16. Ever go camping? At least twice a year

17. Do you take vitamins daily? I try to.

18. Do you go to church every Sunday? I probably go twice a decade these days

19. Do you have a tan? I have a cycling/tractor tan

20. Do you prefer Chinese food over pizza? Chinese food, the bastardised British stuff, is the good shit.

21. Do you drink your soda with a straw? I don't trust straws since the accident...

22. What did your last text message say? "Don't really want him turning up on Monday!"

23. What are you doing tomorrow? Pre-pre-registration nursing reading

24. What sounds are you listening to now? Red Hot's "Snow (Hey Oh)"

25. Look to your left, what do you see? My guitar rack, a leather saddle, my washing up I should be doing.

26. What color is your watch? White.

27. What do you think of when you hear Australia? Colin Hays / Men at Work.

28. What is your birthstone? My what?

29 Do you go in at a fast food place or just hit the drive thru? Always go in.

30. What is your favorite number? umm, wha?

31. Who's the last person you talked to on the phone? Nic

32. Any plans today? Reading, finish my novel I'm halfway through, nappy naps

33. How many Counties have you lived in? 3

34. Biggest annoyance right now? Not Knowing what to do next!

35. Last song listened to? "Snow (Hey Oh)" as above.

36. Can you say the alphabet backwards? Yes, but not fluently. i use the alphanumeric keypad from telephones to remember it.

37. Do you have a maid service clean your house? Yeah, me.

38. Favorite pair of shoes you like to wear all the time? Any flip flops

39. Are you jealous of anyone? Oh yeah. no idea who yet, but there must be someone!

40. Is anyone jealous of you? Why would they be?

41. Do you love anyone? Yes

42. Do any of your friends have children? Yes

43. What do you usually do during the day? At the moment - sweet F.A.

44. Do you hate anyone that you know right now? No

45. Do you use the word 'hello' daily? Yes

46. What colour is your car? I don't drive right now

47. Do you like cats? I like mouthless cat

48. Are you thinking about someone right now? Three people - two with exams and one in a foreign country.

49. Have you ever been to Six Flags? no?

50. How did you get your worst scar? I had a crash at Newport crash and received a tyre print accross my back that now looks like a huge nasty birthmark.

Quite a while ago I blogged about the code of the road. The last two rules were:

1. Always, ALWAYS, be self sufficient. Tools, tubes, food, drink, money etc, there is no place for borrowing off your ride mates unless you're seriously close, and if you get dropped or separated, then things will end badly.
2. Always, ALWAYS, stop to help another rider that isn't self sufficient. I know, it's a little contradictory, but accidents happen and sometimes you've used all your supplies and you have a very long walk ahead of you if no one else stops. At the very least, slow down and ask, because no one wants to be stranded on a Sunday afternoon.

Today I had a rather interesting experience. After someone stopped that day to help me out these last two rules were reinforced for me. I now ride with 3 tubes, a full mini-tool-kit, and a pump. And if someone needs a hand I'll definitely stop to help. On my way back through Harefield after a short but fun ride I saw another rider stopped at the side of the road and pulled over to see if she needed any help.

In all of the Disney films when someone stops to do something nice for someone else (admittedly they tend to be old crones) they seem to reward that kindness. Today, when I stopped to help fix a puncture my karmic reward was meeting a nurse who currently works part-time in the paediatric ward at Watford hospital. We chatted a bit, but most of what I got from the conversation was that I was glad that I learned how to do roadside bicycle repair from my Da' and that this is definitely the correct career choice for me.

I want to help people, and that includes fixing a punctured tube and shredded tyre and helping kids in hospital. So that little confidence boost has got me through what was shaping up to be a pretty lame week.

In a few days I'll get my reading list for the new degree in the post, and then I can start work on my pre-course preparations. Luckily today reminded me how badly I want this and gave me a completely renewed excitement for it.